I woke up just a few minutes before the alarm after not getting to sleep very easily last night. I took a trazadone and melatonin, but it took some time before sleep caught me. My mind was trying to race about today’s mediation.
When the alarm went off, I got myself out of bed and went for my morning mile walk. The moon was still above the horizon, but covered by clouds. It was bright enough that I left the headlamp off for a bit. I could see the moonlight shining down on the hills across the valley, silvering the snow. It was beautiful.
After my walk, I got to work on doing my Move U exercises for the day. Lots of hamstring work, and my hamstrings aren’t afraid to let me know they’re being used. It was hard to get through the rounds, but I finished. Then breakfast and a shower and waiting for the meditation to start.
The mediation was informal. I had a chance to tell my story to the mediator, and he seemed to very much understand my circumstances. I don’t want to write too much detail about it, but in the end, we did reach a compromise that I can live with. I will be punished, but I will not have a DUI charge on my record, and that’s what mattered the most to me. Whatever I need to do, I know that I can do.
Then I made a bunch of phone calls to share the good news. In some ways, it does feel like I’m a victim of the state, because my circumstances could have merited dropping all charges, but I’m choosing this. I’m choosing to serve a sentence so that I can move past this and not have to go to trial and continue to relive and relitigate this terribly painful moment in my life. Painful and scary; I truly was not in control of myself during that time period, and it actually feels worse to think about that than to think about Ambrose’s death. I understand his death; my psychotic break was not so easy to grasp.
After lunch it was time to head to Boise. My neighbor and I shared some nice conversation which made the ride go by quickly. I got to my friend’s place before he was off work so I watched a movie. And after he arrived, we watched the Warhammer episode of Secret Level, and then Colassal, which I’ve been wanting to watch for years but never got around to it.
Of course, I wished I could have seen it with Ambrose, but there’s going to be a lot of media that I’ll feel that way about. I think that’s why he didn’t let me let him finish that last audiobook we were listening to. Because while sharing media time was and is fun, it’s not what matters.
We didn’t finish V Is for Vengeance by Sue Grafton. It was our book for the drive to and from Big Creek on the last trip. We had a couple hours to go in the audiobook when we got home, and a part of me wanted to finish. But a louder part of my wanted to watch TV instead. And, as it was my day to pick what we watched, I chose TV. He didn’t finish it the next day when it was his day either. He left it unfinished on purpose.
He left a lot of his projects unfinished. There’s not enough time on this earth to do everything we want. Choice is key.