I got up at 6 this morning. I really didn’t want to get moving. I’d been up a bit before the alarm again, which always makes it harder somehow. I guess I’ll need to start just getting out of bed if I wake up within, say, 40 minutes of the alarm.
I hauled myself out of bed, turned up the heat in the house, and then got outside for my mile walk. I had my headlamp on when I went out the door, but I turned it off once I stepped off my porch. The moon was close to full and shining brightly. I still had the green light on my back for visibility, but I didn’t need the headlamp to see the road well enough to walk it. I liked that a lot. Walking in the moonlight. And Mars was out as well.
I love taking a few minutes after the walk to sit outside on the porch. This morning, I heard an owl hooting – the same owl I’d heard last night. According to the Merlin app, it was a great horned owl. When I step from my house to the porch, it’s too cold to sit outside, but after the walk up the hill I’m warm enough to take the cold for a nice sit.
Work was difficult. I’m still recovering from the mandatory socialization. I’d need recovery time after that in any event, but in my current state I need more. And I don’t really have the ability to get more.
My therapist brought up that a reckless driving conviction may also bar me from entering Canada. Internet says that is correct, but I’m not going to go back on the mediation agreement. It is what it is, and I should have been better informed if I wanted something different. I will hope that if I need to go to Canada that my story will get me through customs. And I will see if my family will be willing to come to the states for a visit some time in the next year. Maybe Christmas in Chicago for everyone.
I had a cathartic cry about the whole situation with my therapist. The helplessness and hopelessness of remembering, but not having been in control of what I did. I’m working very hard at not feeling guilty. Not blaming myself. Really accepting that my brain wouldn’t let me make decisions with my logic and reason.
I did get a good amount of work done today. Progress is being made. I just don’t have the same enthusiasm for work that I used to. Death puts things in perspective. It feels wrong to spend so much time doing something that doesn’t feed my soul. But that’s where I’m at. I’m committed to working this job, and I will do my best.
I found a photo of Ambrose today that I used to carry around in my padfolio at work. It was a passport photo. When we got them taken, there was an extra, and I kept it. He looks wonderful in that photo. Long hair, kind eyes, just a hint of a smile. It’s a soothing photo for me, even though it can’t mean what it used to. Because it used to be just a reminder that I’d see him again when I got home. Now it reminds me of the opposite. But it’s good.
I had a nice time with neighbors at the hot springs this evening. It’s a nice little social time. I’m looking forward to being able to drive myself again. Sometimes I want to leave earlier than others, other times I want to stay later.
I’ve still got to do my exercises tonight. I should take some ground beef out to thaw. I can make beef with onions and have that as a protein for a few days. I think I’ll do some breathing tonight, maybe a bit of glute work. I don’t feel like standing up for it.
It feels like I’m still waiting for something. And I am, in a way. I’m waiting for my license to be usable again. I’m waiting to start the process of my punishment. I’m waiting to start the clock on the probation. I’m waiting for the next big milestone of my grief. Six months on February 2nd. My therapist thinks that I should plan to commemorate it in some way. Our legal marriage date is also coming up on the 11th of February. Would have been 16 years, but we didn’t really celebrate that day. The day we met was always the big day, July 22nd. Man that’s going to be tough. July 22nd as the anniversary of our meeting, July 26th as the anniversary of his stroke, and August 2nd for his death. I’m really going to need to plan for that. Bring people out or go visiting maybe. Big Creek for the 22nd maybe. We loved being out there.
