1-9-25

Walking in the dark of the morning feels good. The hill is easier when I can’t see all the way up it at once. I’m limited to a small circle illuminating the path immediately ahead. The stars were out this morning, though I don’t see too much of them as I’m watching the ground. I am walking on a road, but it’s a dirt road and I need to watch out for potholes and ice.

Last night, I felt Ambrose’s presence. I hadn’t been able to find the remote for the Xbox for over a day. I’d turned it off the prior night and on yesterday morning using the game controller instead. I kept searching the couch, the media center, my side table. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Ambrose used to play a game with me where he would keep me from seeing something that was right in front of me. I finally told him that I knew it was him. That he was keeping me from seeing the remote so that I would know he was here. And then, I saw it. Not quite in plain sight, but somewhere I should have been able to see. It felt like he answered me. Like I won the game by figuring out he was behind it, and my reward was to see the remote.

I realized that I’ve been trying to imagine Ambrose’s physical form here and getting sad when he clearly isn’t present and can’t touch or be touched. I’ve been trying to talk to his mind and being sad when he doesn’t answer. But what is here is neither his body nor his mind. It is his spirit here with me. The spirit does not communicate with words. The spirit is not a physical presence. To find Ambrose, I need to use my feelings, the senses of my own spirit. I can stop trying to see him or hear him, because that only leads to frustration. All I can do is feel his spirit, and his spirit is here, with me. His love is here.

I’m feeling more hungry with the addition of the walks this week. I added a protein shake to my breakfast sandwich this morning. And I’m working hard to keep up with snacking during the day, because when I don’t have enough food in me, I feel worse physically. That physical malaise then makes me feel worse in my mind and my spirit, dragging down my whole being. If I’m going to commit to being more physically active, then I’ll need to increase my food intake a bit.

A mile walk may not burn a ton of calories, but it burns a bit more when you add in the hill and the cold. I’m not worrying about weight gain this year. I’m going to trust my body to do what it needs to do, and if I later feel that I want to lose weight, I can do that with calorie counting like I did before.

Work went alright today. I’m starting to make some headway in resume review, and got some other time sensitive things done. I did Hips & Glutes level 2 week 2 day 1. The new exercises are challenging. I’m relishing the difficulty level. I like getting a little sweaty by moving slowly with careful form.

I went for another mile walk after work. I set myself a new mile time to beat with 17:46. Pretty good for a walked mile with 130 feet of gain. Not sure I’ll be able to beat that any time soon. I thought I was going be slower than this morning because my body was feeling it, but I pushed through.

Time to go play cards with the neighbors for a bit.