I was up before 5 this morning. I have to concede that I’m in an IBS flare-up. My guts are going nuts. The bloating is painful and obvious. Sleep is hard. I’m treating with heat for the most part. I can’t use the most efficacious method of relief right now, and not for a while, so I’m making do.
I’ve been feeling a bit lightheaded today. A bit off. But also strangely optimistic. There’s a feeling of acceptance in me.
I changed my sheets today and laundered the used ones. I got all three of my walks in. My neighbor’s corgi accompanied me on the evening walk. I had a sit and pet session with him afterwards. Even let him lick my face.
I thought today about how Ambrose and I refused to habituate the words, “I love you.” We never did them as a call and response. We showed our love for each other in our actions. And, every now and then, when we wanted to, when we chose to, we would say the words with no expectation of an “I love you, too” in return. I can hear him saying those words in my mind. Feel him coming up behind me for a hug and saying those words. And of course there’s love in the words, but also pleasure. Like he was just so happy to be in love with me. Like saying those words gave him an incomparable pleasure.
I know that I tended to say the words when I felt like my heart would burst with love if I didn’t. When he did something for me that was so amazingly sweet, or amazingly wonderful that I was moved to speak. I don’t know what moved him to say the words. But I know that saying them made him as happy as hearing them made me.
I never heard him say those words in a bored voice, or a sad voice, or a reluctant voice. No obligations.
Another decent day at work. I took the screen out of the window in my office. The screen would often distract me, making me think there was movement outside from the corner of my eye. So I’d end up closing the curtain. But taking the screen out is a much better solution. I can see the mountains clearly from the seated position at my desk. It’s not like I open that window very often, especially in the winter. I’m kind of surprised it took me so long to do it.
I tried to focus on breath work for my Move U movements today. Gentle movement in the abdomen can help with the IBS symptoms. I’m also drinking warm liquids, like chicken broth. I took a prescription Tramadol for the intensity of the pain, and it’s helping, but I can feel those bubbles bloating up my gut. I hope by calming my body down and reducing the stress that I went through this week, I can get through this flare up.
