I did not sleep well, despite the sleeping pill that I took. I fell asleep just fine, but when I got up to pee, I had a hard time getting back to sleep. It felt like I spent a lot of time just being in bed trying to be asleep instead of sleeping. My dreams faded too quickly to recall.
I was very tired when I woke up. So tired that I lazed in bed for a while before forcing myself up and outside. I only did a half mile walk because I’d spent too much time in bed. But it was a good half mile, and when I got back and called the color line, I found that I did not need to get a drug test today. A small blessing, and I’ll take it.
I had the last of my black tea flavored with orange to help me get through the day. I’m out of milk, so I shouldn’t do the espresso. Though I do prefer that sharp, bitter flavor of making the espresso with water, my tummy has been acting up enough that I don’t want to tempt fate. I felt good about teaching this morning’s class, but most of the day got sucked into the accounts issue that has been a plague on my soul this week.
During my exercise release time, I completed Shoulders & Arms level 2, week 1, day 3. It felt quite good. I’m looking forward to the new movements that week 2 will bring. I might start week 2 on Sunday. I prefer a Sunday start for these programs. Gives me more time to go over the new movements. I cleared the sink of dishes while I made some ramen for lunch. The bite of the cold water seems to help me sometimes when I’m feeling low energy.
At the end of the work day, I had no motivation whatsoever. I didn’t want to walk, I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to do anything. I sat on the couch and played a game on my cellphone while drinking water. I realized that I hadn’t been keeping up with hydration and that that might be part of my tummy woes, so if I was going to sit around doing “nothing” then at least I’d hydrate while doing it.
A little before 7, I got the motivation to rustle up some dinner. And around 7:30 I went for my evening walk. Going down the hill, I saw a blue truck on approach. It was my neighbors, who I haven’t seen for a couple weeks. They stopped the car and we chatted for a bit, catching up. After they drove off, I began to make little circles over the center of my chest with my left hand, just above where my memento jewelry hangs on the new chain. I kept up the rhythmic motion, finding it soothing to make the circles with my hand as I continued on my walk.
When I talk with Ambrose, sometimes he uses my voice to answer my questions. I’ll ask something and then I’ll just answer and I know it’s coming from him. I wasn’t having a conversation, or asking myself anything. Just thinking about how I hope the judge will hurry up and release me from supervision. And I said, “Oh my darling, my beautiful baby, it’s okay.” I paused, because that’s not how Ambrose would talk to me. And then I finished with, “Mom is here.”
Because she was.
I kept rubbing my hand on my chest, soft rhythmic circles, as tears streamed down my face. I felt her presence. Felt her with me. And I had a conversation with her. Asking questions and finding myself with the answers. Even a Sheriff’s truck cruising up and down the hill didn’t interrupt this experience I had.
I felt comforted and energized when I got home. I set to putting up my laundry and taking a quick shower. I did my ten minutes of staff spinning. I think that I have more of a purpose than I realized. That what I am learning on this journey is something that I will need to share and share widely, when the time is right.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I know for sure that I have two people who love me dearly watching over me.