I’m deep in my emotions today. I’m okay with that. I am letting myself be in that space, because that’s where I am. Fighting it just takes more energy, and I’m already spending a lot.
Sleep continues to be poor. Waking again and again.
The temptation to stay in bed was strong this morning, but I hauled myself out to the walk. The stars were bright. I think I might need to start wearing thinner gloves because my hands are getting so sweaty in the heavy ones even when it’s 10 degrees outside.
I haven’t done the loving kindness meditation for a while, but I did it this morning. Felt good. A controlled release of sorrow.
I’m reaching out to my family in this time. Trying to remember good times with Ambrose instead of just those terrible last days.
He used to joke that if he ever went senile that we would both go out on a backpacking trip, but only I would return. Two go out, one come back. I can be grateful that we never got to the point where that would have been a choice.
He knew about the aneurysm in his brain. That it would get him eventually if something else didn’t first. I remember he had head scans for the sinus surgery in … was it ’09 or ’10? But he might have known about it before then. He knew for sure in 2015, because that’s when he first told me that he was dying.
I’m riding the waves of intense emotions. I’m in a storm right now.
I got to the hot springs with a neighbor, and it was a very good time. Good conversation and beautiful stars. I still need to get my moves done, but whatever I do will be something easy and gentle. Maybe breathing.
I’ve been looking through old photos. I love when I find photos with Ambrose being goofy. He didn’t do that very often. So many of the photos of him show a serious face, but I love that face too.