Against all odds, I had a good birthday. Yes, I cried. I cried a good deal, but the tears were not painful. They were all an offering of love. So much love that my heart breaks with the enormity.
My neighbor Kate stopped by with a bouquet, bulbs, and some lavender to dry out. We looked around the hill, and she pointed out my neighbors. I know some of them a little, but I haven’t gotten close with anyone. But there are people all around me on my hill who want to help me. I just need to ask.
My brother and I went to the hot springs yesterday. It was my first time since Ambrose had passed, so I was glad to have David there as support. The clerk, who Ambrose and I both got to know a bit, gave me a big hug. The soaking was good.
Then we went to the grocery store in Council. David was determined that I would blow out candles on something for my birthday, so I selected a strawberry shortcake coffee cake, and the checkout lady helped us find the candles (they were with the baking supplies, not the cards where we looked). He’s helping me remember that although I have lost my big love, I have so much love surrounding me.
This morning, I made my favorite instant espresso for myself and for my brother. I was running a bit low on mugs, so I chose one of the ones that Ambrose had picked up from the St. Vincent DePaul store. Years ago, he decided we needed bigger mugs and picked out these two. For me, a pretty white mug painted with “Owl always love you.” on it. It used to have a little gem, but that fell off in the dishwasher. And the other one, his mug, was black with some white writing on it.
When Ambrose brought home that black mug, I read what was on it and laughed. Detesto Lunedi was inscribed upon the mug, which I recognized as Italian for ‘I hate Mondays.’
For Ambrose, of all people, to have chosen this mug tickled me, because he taught me early on in our relationship not to hate Mondays. If you go through your life hating Mondays, that’s you choosing to hate a full seventh of your life. You are devoting energy to the idea that Mondays are bad, and so they will be. And you will lose out. You’ve chosen to hate your own life, because hating that fraction sets the tone. The down direction will spread.
That is a gift that I have from Ambrose. And it’s hard for me right now to look at those gifts, the many gifts that he gave me. So much of what I learned being with him made me a better person. His stamp is on me, indelibly, for the rest of my life. And that will be comforting one day, I’m certain. To know that I am who I am because of his love. But right now it just hurts.
But that is the kind of pain that I want to be embracing. Because that pain is tied in with the gifts he gave me. The gifts that will enable me to survive the trauma of his death, and continue to live.