I tried a morning shower today. I’ve been showering at night as part of my going to bed ritual, but since mornings have been harder than evenings, generally, I figured that changing things up might help.
I don’t think it helped. Going to bed without showering was easy enough, but I woke up around ten after 4. I couldn’t get back to sleep, but I waited for the alarm before getting up. I don’t know why I always think I’m going to get back to sleep. I rarely do. I don’t want to face the day tired, but staying in bed… it just makes me want to stay in bed more after the alarm. I want to stay in bed, maybe because Ambrose would always get up before me. Almost always. And as long as I don’t get up, as long as I don’t open that bedroom door. He could still be alive. Puttering about with his projects. Cooking breakfast or prepping other meals. Doing dishes.
I did my meditation at the alarm. Then went to shower. But he still wasn’t behind that door. And I didn’t eat very well today, not until dinner. Cheese and crackers for lunch is something, but not ideal.
I struggled with work. I mean, I got things done, but I know that I can do better. Maybe just not right now. I keep pushing through.
I’m not good at napping, so I didn’t nap after work, but I did lay down on my bed for an hour. Just drifting with my thoughts.
I did more flute practice. A bit of staff spinning outside when it wasn’t raining. And as I was sitting on the couch, not doing much of anything, there was a knock at the door. The woman whose house I bought was there. She wanted to know how I was doing, and if I needed anything. We chatted, and I decided to take the offer. I asked for a ride to the grocery store in town, because I was almost out of bread. She drove me down and we talked more.
Day by day, my circle of people is growing.
Day by day, I’m learning how to exist in this world without Ambrose in it.
I’ve got choir rehearsal tonight, which I’m looking forward to.