I had a pretty good morning. I didn’t have any issues getting out of bed or eating breakfast.
And yet.
It’s been four months today.
Four whole months without Ambrose in my life. Four whole months of trying to learn how to live without him. How to navigate life without him.
Floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean, having to ride the swells and weather the storms. I’m going where the current takes me, and I trust that will be where I need to be.
The work day was hard to get through. I had a lot of tears coming out today, so I’m glad I didn’t have many meetings. I could cry while doing my work, or take a few minutes to relearn how to breathe.
If I hadn’t had the practice concert tonight, I feel like I would have been home brooding all evening. I didn’t want to be around people, but I think I needed to. Being around people who care about me was a balm, maybe especially because none of them were aware of the significance of today for me.
The concert went well. We got to see the kids do their songs, and I think this was the first time we had a full set of instruments and singers for “Sing Gloria, Sing Noel” – which is the song I’m on the flute for. Playing the flute for this season was a good call. I really enjoy playing my flute with the piano and the singers. It’s a bit of a different experience from just the singing. And I’m really stoked that I can still play it after a hiatus of nearly twenty years.
Every day, I think of Ambrose. Today, I was especially hurting about him not being here. That I have to keep going. I find some comfort in believing that I have a purpose. That I am still alive for a reason, and that Ambrose knows my purpose, wherever he is. That he is still helping me, just in different ways now.