I had a hard time falling asleep last night. My brain wouldn’t stop spinning. My lawyer thinks I should be relaxed because I know what’s going to happen on the court date, but I’m not. He thinks that the hard part will be over tomorrow, but to me, the entire year of probation will be a continual reminder of the incident. He doesn’t get that.
I ended up taking a sleeping pill and didn’t get my full eight hours. I think I dreamed, but I don’t recall the dreams. I just know that I got up several times in the night, and I couldn’t fall asleep on my back because my stomach was upset and painful in that position. I slept on my stomach instead. Seems counterintuitive that sleeping that way would help with my stomach pain, but that’s how it works for me.
I did reference checks at work today and was able to make a verbal offer for the position I was hiring for. The person accepted, and I’m excited to start working with them and training them in the mysteries of Systems.
I had my therapy session today, and it was helpful because I was freaking out. And she reminded me that I’m allowed to both freak out and to know that I’m strong enough to get through whatever life throws at me. Both can exist at the same time. I can encompass multitudes 🙂
My lawyer called about two thirds of the way through the session, so I had to cut it short and talk with him instead. It was good to go over everything for tomorrow. And he told me that I would be able to attend remotely, which was an incredible relief. I’d had a ride lined up, but I am glad not to have to take as much time off of work for it.
I got to go to the hot springs this evening, getting a ride with neighbors. There was enough snow on my driveway that I was glad to be riding in a Jeep. My Subaru is good, but I hadn’t shoveled any of the snow that had accumulated on my drive throughout the day. Probably should have, but I didn’t really have the time. If Ambrose were alive, he would have been out keeping up with the snow… Good workout.
The hot water was just what I needed. My body was sore from the weight vest walk yesterday, and from all the stress and tension that I’ve been carrying around. And the conversation and socialization was good, too. It was snowing, too. The first time I’ve been to Mundo while it’s snowing. I like feeling the cold flakes nip at my skin while I’m in that hot water.
I hope I can sleep a little better tonight. I think I’ll take a sleeping pill earlier to be sure that I get to sleep at a reasonable hour. I don’t like to make a habit of it, but I suspect my brain will start spinning tonight once I try to settle down in my bed alone. Thursday night I’ll go without, but not tonight.
I wish I could have Ambrose’s support in all this. I miss him so much. I talked about him a bit at the hot springs tonight. Didn’t cry or even tear up. I like talking about him. Writing about him. Remembering him, and all the crazy, wonderful adventures we managed to squeeze into 17 years.
