Hard night last night. Woke up around 1:30 to pee and then I couldn’t get back to sleep because my bowels felt like they were about to explode. Very gassy and painful. I took an Alka Seltzer (Ambrose’s old standby for a stomach issue) and a GasX and stayed up until they took effect. Got back to sleep maybe around 3, because I spent too much time just trying to sleep instead of taking action. And this was after taking a Trazadone proactively so that I would get my full 8 hours.
It sucks, but I did at least provide myself with the opportunity to get sufficient sleep, and my therapist says that’s enough. I won’t be able to sleep well every night.
I cut my morning walk down to half a mile because I woke up still feeling sick to my stomach. I’m glad that I got out and did the walk, and glad that I didn’t push myself. My body is just feeling worn out. I’ve been stressing this week.
At work, I had meetings scheduled almost all day, all leading up to my court date over zoom where I finally was able to enter the plea agreement that my lawyer had reached in mediation in January. I can finally start the clock on the punishments that have been agreed to. And although I do not deserve those punishments, because I was in the midst of a mental health breakdown when the incident occurred, I will accept those punishments. I will fulfill my obligations as expeditiously as possible. And I should soon be able to drive again, which will be an incredible relief.
I don’t plan to stop walking once I can drive, but it will enable me to do more. To travel and see friends. To build that social network that I really need in the aftermath of my husband’s death. I’ve had to live in a very small circle these past months; in some ways, it was probably good for me. But I think being able to go out and be in the community with ease will be better.
I had a flare of emotions after the hearing. I felt it as much as I could, and then went back to work. Luckily, no meetings were scheduled since I’d assumed I might be out of office for the rest of the afternoon. I got to focus on some testing that needs to get done.
I walked my mile after work in this incredibly bright fog that’s been hanging around all day. The sun was almost shining when I walked to the mailbox at lunch. I did my Move U exercises during exercise release time. It was a good focus in the lead up to the afternoon.
I got to tell my parents and brother all about the hearing in the evening during family zoom time. My dad is going to help me get the ball rolling to figure out my license situation. I wasn’t sure what to do about dinner, but being on the call helped me figure it out. It’s amazing how productive I can be when I’m on a call with my family. I didn’t do dishes, but I did cook some pasta and added it to a tin of mackerel in olive oil. It was a good meal, easy on the stomach, I hope.
I did laundry today. I think it helped to have something to focus on external to the legal stuff or work stuff. Tomorrow is change-the-sheets day. I will find my rhythms and routines as I continue on this journey.
