Another slow to get moving morning. I didn’t go for a walk. I did do my exercises.
I feel kind of like I’m just stumbling through the day. Trying not to think too hard about what’s coming up and what was happening last year at this time. He was hiking so well. We went from Mosquito Ridge to Crane Meadows. We thought about staying in Crane Meadows, but there weren’t good spots, so we stayed at the junction with the Chamberlain Trail. I remember sitting around that campsite with Ambrose. We moved to find the shade and the cool. We reminisced. We cuddled.
I had a mostly free morning and a very full afternoon at work. I let my boss know that I was not feeling on top of my game with the year coming up. I felt it was important for him to be cognizant of that.
I went to the hot springs in the evening. There were no soakers that I knew there. Just strangers. I chatted a bit with the woman who works there. She liked the photo from my trip the the lakes.
The water was hot. A bit too hot in the hot tub, even for me. I had to dip into the big pool to cool off a bit so I could get back in. It feels like the water has helped reduced the itching from my mosquito bites. They’re a bit calmer. I’m thinking of taking some Benadryl tonight to see if that might help. I don’t want to start my backpacking trip with itchy legs.
I know that I can get through this. I know that he is with me. He had a plan, and on a level below conscious thought, I know that plan. Because he gave it to me. I can trust myself because he trusted me.
I remember sitting down in the studio apartment in Boise and talking through the choices that I’d have to make after his stroke and after his death. He knew for a long time how and when he would die. It’s not something I can prove, it’s just something that I know. I also know that I didn’t know it at the time. Last year this time, when I would think about Ambrose dying (because of course I did, he was 22 years older than me), I would think that we had ten more good years of adventuring at least. I would think about when we’d do our next coast trip. I’d think about our future, because the knowledge of his death that he always carried was taken from me. Given up willingly, and taken.
I wrote his obituary years ago and I have no idea where it went. That bugs me. I want to publish the obituary that he got to read. And I don’t know if the file is actually gone or if I just can’t see it. It could be right in front of me, and I might not be able to see it for what it is.
I’m going to repackage my food tomorrow. Which means I need to decide which meals are coming with me. I have pulled some food, but I think I pulled too many meals, so I’ll have to make some decisions. The goal is to be completely packed on Friday night so I’ll be ready to drive out to Nampa on Saturday morning. And then to Fairfield from there on Sunday. Four nights of backpacking, and then the long drive to Big Creek and several days camping up there before home on the next Sunday. I’m going to bring my flute.