I’m back home.
I spent 8 nights in a row sleeping outside. Two nights cowboy camping under the stars, three nights in my backpacking tent, and three nights in my car camping tent with no rainfly.
I hope that extended exposure to the outdoors helps me in the week to come. Not to mention the exertions and exhilarations of the backpacking trip, and the time spent with good friends at Big Creek.
If Ambrose and I had gone back to Snowslide Lake, then we would have hiked it the way I just hiked it. I discovered a great site to spend the night at the lake, and I made it up to Skillern Peak, and down Barlow Creek.
Driving to Big Creek via Stanley instead of going through Boise was awesome. I found a Peruvian restaurant to eat lunch at in Bellevue and had some excellent lomo saltado. I saw the Sawtooths and camped all alone at a place called Deer Flat, where I was visited by deer.
It was hard, in some ways, to go to Big Creek without Ambrose. Not just that he would have shared the driving with me, likely taking the lion’s share of it, but that I’d never been there without him. He’d been there without me, but not the other way around. But I met and made connections with new people, as well as strengthening connections with people that I’ve known now for years. I hiked up to Pueblo Summit and then to the peak in an afternoon, pushing myself to get the 8.3 miles and 2600 feet of elevation gain done before dinner. I drove 3.5 miles up Smith Creek Road in a way that would have made Ambrose proud.
I dedicated Ambrose’s ashes in a sacred space and shared my mantra with two close friends.
I drove home today with only a few stops. I thought about getting a milkshake in McCall, but in the end I couldn’t bear to stop in the crowds. I did stop at New Meadows to buy some apricots and plums from a roadside stand. I probably should have stopped somewhere to eat lunch, as Ambrose and I did when we drove from Big Creek to Cambridge, but a bigger part of my just wanted to get home.
I still haven’t checked the mail or brought in all my stuff. I’ve got some work to do to turn my gear around for the next trip in a couple of weeks. And I’ve got another trip in the works, for which I’ll need to request some time off in September in the middle of a week. That will be an overnighter, but I’ll be bringing a beginner along. I’m going to enjoy planning that one.
I’ve been thinking each day about what I was doing that day last year. On the 25th, I thought I might not sleep well, but I did. On the 26th, I still thought he might recover. Today would have been the day that I intellectually knew that he was not going to recover. The day that the wait began for him to finish dying.
I’m going to be gentle with myself this week. I kept up with my exercises throughout the trip, so my streak is alive. Sometimes I just did breathing, and sometimes I did more. But I kept it up. I’m going to get to a full year and beyond of working on my body because these movements helped me get through that time in the hospital.
I’ll walk to the mail in the morning. I’ll try to do some running this week. If I start feeling antsy, I’ll set up a tent outside and sleep there instead of in my bed. Or even just on a tarp… I definitely want to sleep outside on Friday night this week. Maybe up in the mountains, maybe here. I felt so good backpacking this trip, even on the hard day. My body is ready for the next trip.
When I camped at Deer Flat, I had a few moments of getting close to panic. How could I be out here by myself without Ambrose telling me what to do? I had to relax and just do what came next. Whatever I did next, that was the right choice. I do know how to camp, how to backpack, and how to live my life, even if I have to do those things without his physical presence and help now.