Last night I had many dreams, but only one that I remembered in the morning. I was with Ambrose and we were in our bedroom. He didn’t speak to me, but I got a hug, and it was comforting. I woke up at like 4:30 and had a hard time falling back asleep. I had set my alarm for 6:30 since I’d gotten to bed late. I’m up late again today.
I didn’t do a walk in the morning, but I did get moving right away. I got up and I got laundry started and I ate breakfast and got ready for work.
There were some urgent tasks at work today. Time sensitive. The reason that I didn’t take this week off. So that got done first thing in the morning, and then I just got through the rest of the day. I even got a few more things done. I didn’t cry as much today as yesterday.
I decided not to go out camping tonight. I felt like staying home. But I did decide to do something special for dinner. I drove to a place in Weiser called Jeb’s Corner, because according to their website, I could get a banana malt there. I’ve been wanting a milkshake since last week, and this seemed like a good night to get one.
In the late afternoon, a storm blew in. Thunder rumbled, and the air smelled of rain, but the sun was still shining and half the sky was blue. Very cool weather going on.
After work finally ended I got in the car, and I called my father-in-law. I cried a little bit talking with him, but not too much because I was driving. It began to rain as I entered the canyon, big fat drops coming down fast and hard. We lost signal through the canyon so I called him back after I got to Midvale, by which time it had stopped raining. In Weiser, stopped at Ridley’s to get some naproxen and some Lesser Evil popcorn. I also decided to get some more nonalcoholic beer, even though I’m pretty well stocked at the moment.
When I was a kid, my mom and I would sometimes go to a place in a nearby town, Wheaton, called (and I am not making this up) Cock Robin. It was a soda fountain type place. All kinds of ice cream as well as burgers and fries. I would always get a banana malt and a fish sandwich. I remember the fish filet being so crunchy, and the inside so hot it could burn my tongue if I wasn’t careful. Good memories. So, I decided to get myself some dinner at Jeb’s Corner in the form of their fish sandwich.
It wasn’t quite as crispy as the one I remember from Cock Robin, but it was good. I had them make the shake just before I left so it would last the ride home, and it did. As I was driving home, some tumbleweeds flew off a nearby ridge in a loop right in front of my car, one, two, three, but I didn’t hit any of them.
The storm had blown on by once I got home. No more thunder rumbles.
I didn’t do much this evening. I distracted myself with TV and games. As Bob said on the phone, this will be the last first. Then I get to start on the seconds. Although, with the time I lost, it will still feel like some firsts in the next couple of weeks. I don’t remember my dad’s birthday last year.
I could have sworn that I and my father-in-law took pictures, with my phone, of Ambrose in the hospital bed. I was dreading that they’d be coming up on my phone memories. But they haven’t. I think I must have deleted them during one of the times I don’t remember. Gotten rid of those visual reminders of what Ambrose looked like hooked up to a ventilator. I don’t need that in my life. I can remember it well enough without a photo anyway.
Even though I hadn’t actually slept in my bed for the full two weeks that I’d had the green sheets on, I kept up with my schedule. Change the sheets on payday. My sheets are all black now. Mourning sheets. But not just mourning. Ambrose liked the black sheets. So they are also a way to be close to him.
He pierced my body. He helped me become more me. Helped me see where there were agreements that I’d made that I didn’t need to make. He is in me, always. And tomorrow I will have survived a year beyond his physical death.
Tomorrow, I will ride my trike to the fair and see which photos won. I will have a snow cone. I will walk around and look at things, and remember going there with him.