One year ago, my husband died. I have now passed through every first. My first birthday without him. His first birthday that he missed. All the holidays. All the anniversaries. Every single day of the year, I’ve lived through without him.
It’s been a strange day. I’ve cried a lot. I slept in after staying up late last night. I wanted to just stay in bed all day, but I got moving. I had a protein shake for breakfast because my stomach felt sour. I’d thought about going for a drive in the morning, but I ended up staying in until just after noon when I went out to bring my trash to the transfer station.
Instead of going right home from there, I stopped by a neighbor’s house in town. The folks there have a garage sale in their yard most days, and they’re hot springs regulars. They told me to stop by anytime I needed to talk. And I needed a hug, really. I needed physical contact. I have plenty of people I could call if I just needed to talk, but not so many that I can get hugs from on short notice. It was good.
Then I went to the fair. My photos didn’t get any ribbons or recognition, but they were on display for everyone to see, and that’s good. It’s good for me to be a part of the community. Next year, I’ll have to include some animal photos, since it seems like those are highly favored, prize-wise. I also ate lunch there, getting a burger and then a snow cone.
When I got home, I realized that the automatic light Ambrose had mounted to the pumphouse had fallen down. And I knew that my potatoes needed weeding and watering. So I got some of that done, kind of in spurts. Watering and weeding, then inside for a cool down and a drink. Then I fixed the light, adding more screws to the mount. I got my trees watered. And then I put my tent up in the back yard. I’m going to sleep there tonight. I just want to be outside. I don’t want to go anywhere because I’ve got a trip coming up next week. But I can sleep in my yard. I might do that for a few nights this week. I just have to take it down before I go out of town.
In the evening, I got on a zoom with my family and showed them pictures of Ambrose and I through the years. It took over two hours, but it was so good to talk about him. To tell stories about the photos and the trips that we took. I told my brother that I wanted to take him on the coast the next time I backpack out there.
Soon after I got off the zoom, my father-in-law called. We had a good chat. I’m so grateful that I have lovely in-laws who love me and consider me to still be a part of their family. I hope I can figure out a time to visit them again in the next year. It’s a delicate balance with my vacation time; I want to dedicate so much of it to backpacking.
I only got my exercises done a little while ago. I just picked some movements and did them for 16 minutes or so. I tried doing pushups on the ground. I’m not quite there yet, strength-wise, but I’m getting there. I want to build up to doing pushups with good form on the ground. And I want to get dips.
I heard back on a story that I submitted in February. It was not accepted for Pulphouse, but not because it wasn’t good. It just isn’t a Pulphouse story. Which I get. It was a push to just write something to submit. To exercise those story muscles at a time when I was not doing well. I’m going to have to publish it.
I should go inflate my sleeping pad and get ready for bed. Tomorrow is the start of year two. I know he would want me to be living. To keep moving forward. To keep writing and publishing and getting my work out in front of other people. He encouraged me so much with my writing. With everything that I ever wanted to do.
