I woke up feeling a bit numb. I slept pretty well. Woke up just before the alarm. When I looked at my phone I saw the calendar reminder. Today is the day that Ambrose and I got legally married. Back in 2009. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that yesterday as being the reason for my feeling so upset. I was suppressing the memory of the anniversary so hard.
And I had to keep suppressing it most of the day. I had seven meetings today at work. I was in meetings most of the day and I had to act like everything was normal and okay because that’s what you do. There was one meeting where I got to have a moment of being emotional, because it was just my boss and me, and he knows what’s been going on.
I’m not sure if I’ve given myself a headache from all the crying yesterday and today or if it’s from the stress of being “on” all day at work. But it’s been growing steadily all day. I probably should have taken medication for it earlier, but I don’t like to drive after I take it and I really wanted to get to the hot springs. I was kind of hoping for a quiet evening, but there were people around. I read my book and drank my drink, and, after it was dark, I felt splashes on my face and realized that my fellow regulars were there. I hadn’t seen them since December.
I moved from the hot tub down to the main pool so we could hang out and chat, and our other regular showed up, too. The men got to talking about politics, and I took that as an opportunity to talk with my fellow widow about how I was feeling today. I told her about how when Ambrose proposed, he pierced my septum. That’s my engagement ring and my wedding ring, always with me no matter what jewelry I put in (or even when nothing is in there, like when I was at the mental hospital). I told her about getting married in judge’s chambers with a beautiful view of the Boise foothills. And she held my hand and shared her own stories, and I’m so glad that they were there today of all days.
I also got hugs before we left at nearly 8. I haven’t stayed that long in a while. I’m glad I got my exercises done right after dinner so I don’t have to worry about doing them now. I’m staying up a bit because I needed to drink some water and I wanted a snack. I had some of my quick pickles. I left the last batch in the fridge too long and they started to ferment, so I’m going to eat these up.
I know that the sorrow I feel is in proportion to the joy that I had with him. The highs and the lows are the same thing in reverse. My love for him so deep that carves my heart to pieces at his absence.
And just as a kicker, an old friend from high school and college passed away recently. We had some good times at both high school and college, and though we weren’t close, she reached out after Ambrose’s death.
I wish I could just take the rest of the week off. The rest of the month. I feel unsteady and unready. My performance evaluation was great. But I don’t feel connected to my work like I used to. I’m still finding my way back. And I don’t know where I am.
Sunset from the hot springs
Hot springs froggy
