I woke before the alarm, but slept to it anyway as per usual. I did actually look at the clock this morning, and I could have gotten started for the day at 5:34, but I chose to get back into bed again. At 6, I did the meditation, and then did a few turns in bed to try and move my wind. I got up and went to look outside. For the first time in a while, there were no clouds in the sky at all. I could look up and see the starts encrusting the sky. I wish I had a camera that could take pictures of the stars. They’re so beautiful out here.
I made the decision to cook a fish. I know from experience that if the fish in the freezer is not cooked quickly enough, it will not taste very good. So, I figured the fish have sat long enough, and it’s time for me to start cooking. I got out the big roaster oven pan so that I could thaw it in water. Ambrose figured out that I like the fish better when they thaw in water; leaving it in plastic leaves a residual flavor that I don’t like.
This is such an Ambrose thing for me to be doing. Cooking pasta sauce is something that I occasionally did even when he was alive, though I’d usually use whatever he had cooked for a protein instead of incorporating my own. But cooking fish? I never cooked fish for myself, though I enjoyed the heck out of what Ambrose could do with a fish. He didn’t always get a “good cook” on them, but he hit far more often than he missed.
I think the fish has brought up a lot of emotions in me. I keep walking around my house saying that I can’t do this. That I don’t know how to live in a world without him in it. And then I come back to the fact that I have been living without him. I can’t NOT be able to do something that I have been doing. So I logic myself out of the painful emotion. But I keep falling right back into it. Why? What draws me to this feeling? Am I afraid of these emotions?
There was a family zoom tonight. I used the company to help me clear the sink of dishes and cook and eat my dinner. I’ve mostly been eating on the couch, but when I eat during a zoom, I eat at the kitchen table. That’s probably where I should be eating more often. Part of being more healthy. Recovering from the nasty shock of losing my balancing partner in life.
After my brother left the chat, I had a cry with my parents. I needed not to be alone while I cried at least one time today. I needed to be seen and acknowledged and cared for in real time. I’m hesitant to call on people, because it would be hard to have to listen to someone sobbing and not be able to do anything to help. Is it enough to just listen?
I’m planning to make the vigorous walking a regular part of my day. I’m envisioning getting up at 6 tomorrow morning and just going right outside for a walk. I’ll take a flasher for safety and a headlamp so I can see where I’m walking. I’ll get my mile done in the morning so I can eat dinner before hot springs tomorrow.
I finished the first week of the level 2 Hips & Glutes program. My hamstrings are feeling those exercises. Tomorrow will be shoulders and spinal oscillations; something short. Today’s workout took nearly an hour.
I’m going to try and meditate tonight, something called the celestial sanctum. My dad thinks it will help.