I think I could have gotten up early today, but I chose not to look at the clock and waited for the alarm. I did the meditation, and then spent some time on each side to try and help gas move through me. I didn’t get moving as quickly as I wanted, but I got to work on time.

The sun is out, which is a nice change of pace. I just wish I didn’t have to be working while the sun is out. I want to be outside more. I want to be backpacking, but that’s not going to happen for a while yet.

I’ve had a lot of tears today. I keep getting caught in the trap of thinking about the future, and feeling despair that I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life now. It’s not time for me to know what to do yet. I have to be patient with myself.

It’s the balancing of the patience with the necessary things that I need to do. I’m rather dreading taxes this year. Ambrose is the one who did our taxes, every year. No need to borrow that worry though, it can wait until at least February or March. I’ll figure it out when I need to.

After work, I felt compelled to get outside. I determined to take a one mile walk as the sun began to set. Once I started walking, I began to feel my body. It was easy enough to keep a steady pace going downhill, but I surprised myself by maintaining a steady cadence and good pace back up the hill. It hurt to do it; my muscles were straining. But it felt good. It hurt in that way where you are pushing your limits, and if you can hold on and work past the intense effort, then it becomes easier. Go faster by going faster.

When I started worrying in my head while walking, I put that focus onto my steps. Focusing on how my body felt to be walking uphill without slowing down. I let the thoughts in my head go, and each step connected me to the earth beneath my boots.

I sat on the porch in the cold for a while after I got home. Watching the alpenglow fade along the West Mountains, and enjoying how my body felt after that exercise. I think I need to do more walking. To find the time, and make the time, for more walking. I can condition myself for backpacking by walking around my neighborhood and help keep myself pointed to the future.

I finally decided to order a second weighted heating pad, and it arrived today. I’ve got a non-weighted one that’s been living on the couch, but it just isn’t as good as the weighted one. I love how the weighted one gives that bit of pressure, as opposed to how the non-weighted one tends to float above my skin and let the heat escape. This new one is a different design though, so it remains to be seen if it will be as good as the first one.

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