I had therapy today. After a couple of kind of good days, I had a sad day today. Hard to work. Hard to focus.
Talking with my therapist, I realized that my grief rises in the morning. Every morning, for years, he made me breakfast. I would wake up, and he’d more often than not already be awake. In Boise, I’d head off to CrossFit, and then eat the breakfast he made. Out in Cambridge, I’d go work out in my office before eating breakfast, except on days that I slept until 6:30 am instead of 5:30 am. Then I’d eat pretty soon after waking up.
He cared for me every morning, and that makes it hard for me to get started in the mornings. So I’m going to try a loving kindness meditation tomorrow morning. Just give that grief a chance to rise and be acknowledged, and then see if I can take that next step. And I’m not going to worry about eating breakfast foods for breakfast.
I drove to town today to drop food off at the food bank. It’s food that Ambrose ordered for himself that I can’t see myself eating. I walked to get my mail. I found a strange delivery in my delivery box; strange because it was addressed to Ambrose and strange because it was half a package of facial tissues. I had ordered a full package of those, but they’re set to be delivered on Friday (and should be addressed to me).
I’m headed to the hot springs tonight for a convivial evening with my neighbors. And, of course, the soothing mineral waters.
I’m feeling better, as I typically do in the evenings. But I had a rough morning. My throat feels a bit raw from yelling. Time to get to the hot springs and let the hot water and conversation soothe me. I need to work on showing myself compassion.