I woke up before the alarm this morning. I tried for a while to get back to sleep, but it wasn’t happening. So I decided to take my therapist’s advice and begin my day with a loving kindness meditation for grief that she’d sent me. The idea was to let my emotions flow over me first thing, to acknowledge and make space for my sadness and grief before facing the day.
I cried and felt a release after the meditation. I wasn’t exactly ready to jump out of bed, but I did get out of bed. I did eat breakfast – and it’s okay that it was leftover chicken and rice and not a traditional breakfast food. And I started work on time. These are wins.
I almost lost the little locket I’ve been wearing with Ambrose’s ashes inside last night. I was at the hot springs, getting ready to leave in the changing room, and I took off my swimsuit top. It’s got a kind of tight neck, so I try to expand it while I’m taking it off so that it doesn’t sweep my glasses right off my face. I felt a pop as I pulled it over my head and thought that I’d popped the seam, but instead when I looked at the suit, I heard a tinkle and a thump. I looked down to see the chain on which my locket had been sitting on the floor, partly between two wooden boards. Since I didn’t see the locket, I panicked, figuring it must have fallen between the boards.
I went over to ask for help from the office staff, and brought her over to the room. I honestly thought I’d lost him, but when she shone her flashlight, the locket had bounced underneath the bench where I couldn’t see it. I was so relieved. I know I would have been okay if it had dropped and been lost, but I’m really glad that turned out not to be the case.
The chain, however, is done for. I popped off the clasp completely. So when I got home, I put it on another necklace. This necklace already had a ring on it, one that my mom made many years ago and that my cousin gave me after my mom’s death. I decided to leave the ring, so now I have a reminder of my mom along with Ambrose hanging around my neck. They bounce off each other with a gentle tinkling sound and so far I’m very much liking wearing it. With it being longer, I hope there’s less of a chance that I’ll be able to catch it when I take my swimsuit off next time.
Today’s my last day to drive before my license is suspended. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this, but I do know that I will get through it. I have the support of my family, friends, and neighbors. And I am working on directing my compassion to myself, because I really need it.
I’ll be using my freedom to drive to go and vote as well as do some shopping and a trash run. Not in that order. And tonight I’ll have a family zoom meeting that I’m looking forward to.