I woke up at a quarter to 5. Took me a while to get back to sleep, but I refused to get up that early on a Sunday. I slept in until about 7:30, and then spent more time in bed thinking about Ambrose. Seven months today.
I went for a walk after I got up a bit after 8. The sky was beautiful. It felt good to walk. I’m looking forward to getting back into my regular walking schedule. The walks help me get started in the mornings. I need them, especially now that I’ll be starting early and ending late again to make up for my teaching time.
My dad played this beautiful song in Spanish on the zoom. It was one of his dad’s favorite songs. After he played it, he gave us a translation of the lyrics. My Spanish is improving, but it wasn’t good enough to translate as I listened. It was about someone whose love had died. My dad and I both cried as he translated.
After the zoom, I got my Move U exercises done. I’m finished up with week 3 of Head & Neck level 2. One more week on that program, and I’ll be restarting Shoulders & Arms. Review days for level 1, and then I’ll do level 2, which is what I was working on when Ambrose had his stroke.
I think my leg ache may have to do with how I’ve been sitting. I’m trying to be more conscious of that. If it doesn’t improve, I’ll try to get seen by a doctor to make sure it’s not blood clots again. Once I can drive again, I should be able to make it to Weiser and do a walk in after work. I hope they complete my paperwork tomorrow.
I got my two hours of work done in the afternoon. I considered going for a walk after that, but an apathy gripped me. It’s still gripping me now. I did get some writing on one of my books done last night after I blogged. Maybe I’ll get some more tonight.
I was going to cook tonight, but my neighbor gave me some stew and I haven’t quite finished my Friday spaghetti, so I’ll cook my next big meal tomorrow night or Tuesday night. Might be fun to do it while on the family zoom. I had some of the stew for dinner. It was quite good. I liked the big chunks of meat and potatoes.
I took a bath, hoping the heat would ease both my leg and my head. My head was doing fine until I was done with work, and then I sneezed and a headache came on. I’m not sure what that’s all about, but I’m glad I skipped spending time with my neighbors who have runny noses. If I had spent that time with them, I’d be blaming my sneezes on them. Ha.
When we first tried to get Ambrose a passport, we got passport pictures taken at Boise State. They have a passport acceptance office, so it was easiest to go through them. They printed two copies of the picture, but only needed one. I kept the other in my padfolio so I could look at it when I was at work. It was such a good picture of him. His eyes were soft, and though he wasn’t smiling, he looked happy to me. Content. It’s one of my favorite pictures of him. I keep it on my desk now, to look at while I’m working.
I miss him so much. I keep busy and I don’t think about it all the time, but it’s there, in my body and my mind and my soul, all the time. His absence is unavoidable. Inescapable.
I’m taking care of myself. I know I’m doing okay at that. But I just miss him so hard. The weather is taking a turn to spring, and it’s so hard that he’s not here with me to see it, feel it, smell it. To hear the birds singing up a storm. To plan this season’s backpacking trips with me. To look forward to when we can start hiking up Cuddy again to train. I just want him. My head is pounding and I’m crying and hugging myself and I just want him.
