I’ve been calmer today than I thought I’d be. It’s ten months today. I miss him. I don’t understand this passage of time. But I’m alive. And I just keep on being alive.
I was thinking on the hike yesterday that the more time I spend in the woods, the more I feel healed. Not whole, but more connected to the idea that there is a me after him. That I can be a whole person on my own and still be the person that was with him for seventeen years. That person grew and changed a lot over the course of those years. I will never be someone who didn’t know him.
I slept in this morning. I thought I’d get some mowing done in the evening, but that turned out not to be the case because I had a haircut instead. So, I got a bit of a rest day today.
Work went smoothly. I had an espresso milk to try and help me stay awake, but it might not have been sufficient. My brain had some trouble connecting to the directions I wrote a few years ago for an annual process, but other than that I did fine. That’s the problem with processes that only happen once a year. It’s easy to forget exactly how to do them. I’ve got over one hundred steps, but there are some pieces out of my control that got changed and that tripped me up.
I went for a walk at lunch to check the mail, and I did a short session of Move U movements in the evening. That was my exercise for today.
I was a little worried that I’d be late for my haircut. It was at 5:15, which means I needed to leave right after work and I’d get there if there was no traffic. I forgot that there was a one-lane section through the canyon and thought I might have to text my stylist to let her know I’d be later, but I managed to sail through on the green light. Hurray!
It was good to chat with my stylist. I ended up telling her about the trip Ambrose and I took to the Snowslide Lakes, where we learned the lesson that you should never go past a junction without your hiking partner – the hard way. I went shorter for my cut this time. It’s time for nice, short summer hair. I hope it doesn’t grow too much before it’s time for the work trip to Las Vegas. It’s likely to be in the 100’s while I’m there. Who thought Las Vegas in June was a good idea?
I’ve got to get packed for this weekend’s trip to Moscow. I have an audiobook ready to go for the drive.
My guts have been unhappy the last few days. I blame the period. I’m not getting bad cramps, but my digestive system feels out of whack. Since I was already in Midvale for my haircut, I got a burger for dinner. I should have gotten a single, but my eyes were bigger than my stomach and I got a double. I’ll be having my leftovers for lunch tomorrow.
Driving home from the haircut I felt like I should be going home to show it off to Ambrose. He always appreciated my haircuts. When we lived in Boise, he’d go to the salon with me, and I’d ask him what he thought right there. But we didn’t do that once we moved out to Cambridge. I’d show it off to him when I got home instead.
I feel like I miss him more calmly now. No less strongly. It’s easier to tell stories about him without getting choked up. To remember those good times, even when the good times were hard.
