I slept until about 7:30 again. Feels like that’s my weekend wake up time, while 5:30 seems to be the week day wake up time. I’m finding that I feel like I need more sleep, and I think that’s okay for now. I still stayed in bed until nearly 9 though. Trying to pray or meditate. To exist for a time with singular focus.
I ate some breakfast. Crackers and cheese and a banana. That’s almost breakfast. I thought again about making grits and eggs, but couldn’t bring myself to do it when the time came. But I think I’m getting closer.
I got my exercises done before noon, and then ate a loaded yogurt for lunch. Then I took my trike out on the road for a while. I ended up going down the hill all the way to the pavement before I decided my rear tires needed more air. So I came back up and filled them. Then I decided to take some tea to my neighbor, but not until the end of the ride. Well, the container wasn’t well-suited to being in the trike basket, so after I got to the bottom of the hill, I turned right around and tried to visit that neighbor, but they didn’t answer. So the tea went home, and I finally got myself down to the Weiser River Trail.
As I rode north, I saw someone walking in my direction. I turned around, because I didn’t want to people. But as I rode toward Cambridge, I decided to leave it to fate. I’d turn around at route 95 and if I saw the person on my way back, then I was meant to.
Turns out, I was meant to. This was a woman I’d met before when I walked to the craft fair and stopped by the antique store in town. Her husband is a sculptor and they live close the trail, so we got to talking (I started with a compliment to her dog, always a good topic I find), and she invited me to her house. I got to see a sculptor’s studio and some works in progress, as well as some of the completed art in their home. Some of the pieces were the small versions of larger pieces that he had made; it was neat to think about the pieces being so much larger.
She invited me to join them for dinner this evening, but I declined. I kind of wanted to, but I was also very much done with peopling for the day. I was crying pretty hard on the ride home, and after I got home, too. The emotions are just flowing. And I’m letting them.
I had a family zoom call this evening which was very nice. I was late, because I forgot it was at 4 my time, not 5. And then my father-in-law called. So, even though I avoided an in person dinner, I did have a good amount of people-interaction still in my day.
I have survived 115 days since Ambrose died. It’s different. I feel like I have less capacity than I used to, which is the same as it was. But I also feel like I want to do more, which is something that’s been developing. I don’t want to stop my life. I know that Ambrose would not want me to stop my life. I still have a lot to process, but I’m not feeling as despondent lately. I must be on a swell.
Even though I might feel like I’m floating alone in the middle of the ocean, I can remember that the currents will take me somewhere. Like the Kon-Tiki. Balsa wood rafts brought people from the coast of Peru to the Polynesian islands. Over 4300 miles of ocean. I may be floating, but there are currents beneath me, and they are taking me to safe harbor.