I can’t seem to stay asleep all night lately. I keep getting up around four to pee and then I can’t really fall back to sleep. I just wait for sleep to come and instead, eventually, it’s the alarm that comes.
It was a little harder to get up and walk this morning. I don’t know why really. I did get up though. I got my walk done, and I started my day. It was only 9 degrees, but somehow I still managed to be hot and sweaty by the time I was done climbing back up the hill.
I made some progress with the job applications I’m grading at work, but had an interruption when a sheriff’s deputy arrived. I’d emailed the sheriff’s office about the dog bite, and that was the response. I explained what happened and where. The deputy took a picture of my pants and the small gash in my leg, and had me write out a statement. Because I was bitten, technically, I could have had the owners charged with a misdemeanor, but I didn’t want to be that involved over a small scratch. They’re getting a warning about a nuisance dog, and I did not ask for follow up.
After the deputy left I wondered if he was one of the deputies that came to my house when I disappeared in August. If he had seen my house in that state. Rotting food on the floor. Vomit in the sink. Piles of dishes higher than the one I had today. I don’t really remember how I left it. And I didn’t get to see it in the state that I left it because my parents got there first and did some clean up.
So I’ve been deep in my emotions today. Crying a lot. Took me a while to figure out why. The idea that the deputy may have seen my house in a very different state when I myself was in a very different state.
After work, I didn’t go for my walk until 6. Which was fine because the scheduled zoom was delayed. On the way down, I picked up a companion. My neighbor’s corgi escorted me to my turnaround point and then all the way back to my house. I needed some love, so I sat down on my deck steps and gave lots of pets to the sweet boy. I had trouble getting him to go home, but he left eventually. I think he knows I needed some love today.
Turns out we had to cancel the zoom tonight, but I didn’t find out until after I’d spent over 20 minutes washing my dishes, sobbing, and waiting for it to start. At least I got the dishes done. I usually do the dishes while the zoom is going on, because it helps me. It distracts me from the fact that Ambrose should be doing the dishes. Ambrose should be taking care of my little dog bite. Ambrose should be driving me so I’m not walking by a loose, aggressive dog while my license is suspended.
I miss him so much. The practical things just bring into focus how much I miss him. I miss talking to him. Discussing life and philosophy and television shows and books. Being a sounding board when he’s stuck on a technical problem. I didn’t always understand everything that he was doing, but I was very good at helping him to see where he was stuck. Good at asking the questions that helped him untangle his threads.
He’d be really good at helping me untangle my threads. I’m so tired. I want to take a break from being a widow. From missing him so much it hurts. I’m throwing myself into exercise because it helps me not think about the pain.
I want to order pictures to have of him. But I keep not doing it. It’s so hard to look at those photos. So many photos I have of him. Most of them, his face is so serious, but every now and then he’s sweetly smiling or giving me a goofy grin. I miss those smiles that he seemed to reserve just for me. I miss him. I wish I knew how to miss him without hurting so much.