I got up this morning, got dressed, and went outside to keep taking apart the cage. I gave myself thirty minutes, and managed to remove all the mesh and roll it up into a heavy bundle. I enjoyed being outside in the morning air, with the birds singing and winging around me. I still need to take apart the poles, but I’ll have to do that some other day. Maybe Saturday, in between bouts of mowing. Once I have the cage gone, I’ll need to mow that spot.
I’ve been feeling off today. Sad. A little lonely. Hungry. I had a dream about being at a concert/festival type thing and I saw some friends from high school. Women I haven’t seen in person since high school, though I’m connected to them both on social media. I don’t think I’ve seen posts from either of them in quite some time. I hope they are both doing well.
Today was my first week without therapy with the new schedule. I have to remind myself that grief has no timeline, and that I am allowed to feel how I feel. I’m not under the big stressors anymore, and that gives me space to have those emotions I was holding down to help myself hold it together. Maybe I need to just let those emotions out a bit more. Even when it’s the workday. Just have a shouting session, punch some pillows, and then get to the work.
On my last big shopping trip, I bought myself some chunky salsa, and today I used it for my dinner. A microwave tamale topped with chunky salsa. I figure that’s a decent way to add some vegetables to the tamale. Tomorrow I’ll be eating the last of the spaghetti sauce, so I need to figure out meals for next week. A plan. Preferably one that uses some of the meat I’ve got in my larder. Ham hocks or beef ribs or beef liver or fish or ox tails. A bean dish might be fun. I can look at recipes on Saturday in anticipation of shopping on Sunday.
The hot springs were lovely, as usual. They have some large lilac bushes in bloom. I’ll admit, I took a sprig on the way home. I love that scent, and my bush isn’t producing blossoms yet. I don’t know when it’s going to get around to it, but not this year.
I did some simple breathing exercises for my Move U exercises. I’m going to go to bed early. I’ve got running in the morning. I’ll probably just do a mile. I’m still working my way up to distance, and toughening up my feet and joints. The point is to move. Speed and distance will come.
Just like healing will come. My job now is to keep moving forward. To learn to bear the weight of his absence. To make of his memory a blessing. To find the pleasure in the pain, like finding the view at the top of a hard climb up a mountain.
