I stayed up too late last night. Again. And didn’t get up on time. Again. I’m trying to get to bed on time tonight. No promises on getting out of bed at the alarm, but I can at least make sure I’m in bed and ready to sleep at the right time. I have been enjoying sleeping outside, so I’ll keep that up at least one more night. Even though I’m not wanting to get up and out of bed, I do like the morning sounds outside. The roosters and the dog barks and the increasing illumination. Maybe part of the issue is that my alarm is set for before sunrise…
I had an interesting dream last night, and I wanted to remember it. So, somehow, I imagined Ambrose was lying next to me, and I kind of dreamed that I took his hand and told him about the other dream, which helped me remember it in the morning. And I really felt his hand in mine.
Even though I got out of bed a lot closer to 6 than 5:30, I haven’t checked my mail since Friday morning, so I decided to go ahead and get that done. And a good thing I did, because my box was kind of full, mostly with a package. When I got back, I watered my plants, including the trees. Then I ate breakfast. I decided to hold off on showering since I’d want to shower after my haircut during the lunch hour.
Work went okay. I’m being as productive as I can be, and I’m making progress on my projects. A fair number of meetings today, but not all of them required my full attention. I mean, I still needed to pay attention, but I wasn’t the focal point like I was for some of the other meetings.
During the lunch hour, I got my hair cut. It’s nice and short at the back and sides, and pretty short on top as well. It’s a decent cut, but it’s not quite what I want. I’m not exactly sure what I want. This is a good cut, but I want something I’m not sure how to articulate.
After work, I got to doing my workout. I’m focusing on form for my incline pushups and assisted dips, because good form is how I’m going to build enough strength to do these movements without scaling. I thought I’d built my lats before, but no, I’m building them now from the ground up. When I start the Back & Core level 3 program after next week’s backpacking trip, I’m going to continue doing at least 10 dips and pushups each day to work that strength.
Emotionally, I’m still feeling a bit empty. A bit lost. The first year is over. It’s going to be the first of many. I haven’t been crying as much since Saturday. Maybe I ran out of tears temporarily. My freshman year in college, my ex-boyfriend killed himself four days before my birthday. For some reason, that anniversary is in my awareness. It will be twenty-four years. At the time, I didn’t know how I would ever be able to handle that loss, and now I’ve lived with it for more years than I was alive at the time that it happened. I’m going to get there with Ambrose. Looking back over the tunnel of time to see I’m farther and farther away from him.
Ambrose is the one who helped me come to terms with my grief back then. When we met, it had been almost six years, but I was still feeling it. Still getting caught up in it. Tripping over my own emotions. And now I move forward, bearing that which he taught me how to bear.
