Another good morning walk by the light of the moon. The moon was hiding behind clouds, but there was enough light for me to walk by. I enjoyed challenging my night vision. No traffic today, but no deer either. I feel like I’m settling into a pretty good morning routine. I do want to bring that wake-up time earlier, except on Tuesdays after choir. I want a bit more time in the morning to write.
For my third round of calisthenics, I have for now settled on doing some negatives without assistance. I can go pretty slow on the pushups, but I’m barely able to lower myself with the dips. That will change over time.
There was a process at work that I thought I could change over smoothly, but I didn’t realize that when my co-worker redid the query, the export formatting was not copied over, nor were the exports in the correct order. So I had a bunch of errors that I ended up deleting. A few meetings today. My brain doesn’t want to focus on work.
I’m feeling a lot of grief this week. And today especially I just want to distract my mind from thinking. 24 years ago, Chris Hill killed himself. He was my first boyfriend. We were broken up at the time of his death, but that was his choice, not mine. I still had, and still have, love for that boy. I wonder what he would be like now, if he had lived. Where life would have taken him. I was a freshman in college, and the worst part about that grief was the insomnia. Sleep was stolen from me, and I honestly don’t know how I made it through freshman year.
Sectional rehearsal was tonight, so I wasn’t alone all day. It was good to be around people, but I still had so much sadness. I had to stop singing and just mouth the words a couple times because my throat closed up with unshed tears. When we finished, I asked a friend for a hug, and she held me and let me cry on her shoulder. I needed that.
During lunch, I ran a mile. It was faster than my last mile by over a minute. I tried to push the pace while I ran. Tried to be a bit uncomfortable. I’m thinking about incorporating some run/walk interval training to try and increase my speed. I took a picture of my lilac after I walked around the yard to cool down.
I’m going to do some breathing exercises before I go to bed. I’ll be a bit late for bed, but I can handle being a little short on sleep. Even without caffeine. I’m planning on treating myself to a coffee on my birthday, but that will be my caffeine for the week.
I know that there are people I could call, but I don’t know what to say. I’m sad. And it hurts. I miss Ambrose. He was home for me, and I feel like I can’t get home.
