I finally hooked up one of the external hard drives that Ambrose and I used to store old photos and tax info and other stuff. I’ve been copying things to my One Drive cloud storage all day. There’s probably some redundant stuff in there, but I’ll worry about that after I get it all onto the cloud. I’ve got plenty of cloud storage right now and this hard drive won’t make a significant dent.
I was out of bed a little faster this morning. I wanted to go to sleep early and get up early and be all productive. Get some morning exercise done. But I ended up lying in bed awake until just about normal bed time, so I woke up at the alarm.
I know I can make the choice to get out of bed. I know that I’m not trapped. But making that choice is so hard sometimes. It’s as if when I’m still in bed, he could still be alive. For the last couple of years, he’d wake up much earlier than me. It was a pleasant surprise any time I woke up and he was still in bed so I could cuddle on him. Most of the time, I’d wake to find the bedroom door closed; my signal that he was awake and about. I sleep with it closed now because it’s darker that way. Maybe if I left it open, I would be less reluctant to break the spell by getting out of bed and opening that door…
It snowed all day today. It was enchanting. A delight every time I looked out the window. I walked in it to get my mail over my lunch hour. I also shoveled a bit of a path on my deck, and by evening, the path was once again covered in inches. I heard from co-workers that it was mostly rain over in Boise and Nampa. It probably won’t last with more rain in the forecast, but I’ll enjoy it while I can. Oh! If it’s still not melted by lunch tomorrow, I could go snowshoeing around the yard.
I’ve been crying a good deal today. Makes sense, what with looking at the old memories stored on the external hard drive. I also opened up his keepsake box that he got in Hawaii. There were some very old photos of him and his friends as teenagers. Random papers. Some foreign money and a US penny. Trinkets that no doubt held meaning for him, and, as we never went through the box together (that I can recall at the moment anyway), I have no idea what that meaning might have been. I’ll have to bring copies of the photos to the celebration of life, see if anyone can identify the other people in them.
My tummy has been acting up all day. I think it’s from not getting enough water on Saturday. I need to make sure that I’m drinking enough water, especially on the weekends when I don’t have the structure of the workday to help me remember to drink. Hm, if I ever make a go of writing full time, I’d need to make myself a workday. Figure out what that would look like and implement it, including breaks because I am prone to forgetting to take care of myself once I get involved in a creative project.
I wish I’d had more time with Ambrose, but the time I had was something I’ll never regret. I’m living alone now, but I’m not really alone. I have his love with me, always. All the things he taught me. I don’t really feel lonely, just sad. His spirit is here, but I do miss his physical presence.
If the snow melts, then I’ll probably ask a neighbor to take me to town for groceries over my lunch hour. I don’t want to get too much before I’m off to Chicago, but there are some things I’d like to get this week so they’ll be here when I’m back. Some easy meals. Extra soups. Maybe some candy for the flight so I don’t have to pony up airport prices.
I feel more in motion today, even with the sadness and tears. I’ve been playing flute scales, and I did a little trying to play along with songs just for fun. I find myself wanting to get better at flute. Playing, even playing scales, is creative. I’m not looking up scales and playing them off a sheet; I’m figuring them out as I go, which I think will help build up my ability to improvise and play from memory. I think it’s good for my brain.