I slept in again since today was a holiday. No work, which was nice. My brother played a role in one of my dreams. We were going somewhere together, and there was a terrible storm coming so we had to retreat to an underground hall for safety.
I spent some time in bed this morning. It was good to just be there. Thinking about Ambrose watching over me. Feeling his presence, and thinking about some of the things that happened between us. There’s some magical things that I’m not ready to write about publicly. The idea of a double life. One life knowing he was going to die, and one life not.
I didn’t do too much today. I went for a walk in the afternoon. I got my exercises done. I’m on week 2, so I’ve got two new exercises. The banded head tilts are difficult to do without an expensive piece of equipment, so I’m not sure how much I’m getting out of them. I’m doing my best. The head shifts remind me of moves from belly dance, only I’m not putting my arms above my head as I shift the head left and right.
I went snowshoeing in the late afternoon. The snow was super slushy, but still deep enough in the yard to allow me to do it. I had to avoid the plowed driveway though. I saw bird tracks in the snow. I visited each of my trees, and gave one a hug. I have to remember how good it feels to hug a tree, and do it more often.
I had some emotional outbursts today. Just feelings rising and falling. I also thought about how Ambrose is with me. He’s always with me. And he’ll always be with me. I’ve thought a lot about who I am without him since his death, but the truth is there is no me without him anymore. We bonded so closely; I am who I am now because of him. He came into my life and asked for my consent to teach me and change how I approached life. I accepted and submitted to his program, and I am the better for it. I had been exposed to Idaho’s wilderness before him, but it took him to get me to the point where I could go out and hike trails by myself for days at a time. To show me how to appreciate my body and use it well.
I want to write my books. And I’m having trouble with that, because he won’t get to read them. He won’t get to read any of my new books, any of the wild and crazy ideas that have come to me since his death, and when I was out of my head. Some of those ideas feel like I cribbed them from other stories I’ve read, but others were not familiar in that way. I want to tell him all about them.
I have to put my discipline to work if I want those books to become reality. To become real objects that others could enjoy.
I’m not sure now whether I had a real cold or if I was just worn out. I think I’m over whatever it was. Mostly. Still a few lingering gastrointestinal symptoms. My neck is still kind of sore, but the headache did go away after taking the medication yesterday. It’s interesting that I had a headache 14 days before that. I track my headaches, but I’m now also tracking when I take that medication, because if you take it too frequently it can cause rebound headaches. I don’t want that!
