I woke up around midnight last night. I felt hot and sweaty and also cold. My cramps were painful, so I had to have the heating pad on high. I got out of bed and drank an Alka Seltzer and read on the couch for a while, but I wasn’t feeling sleepy. It was kind of funny, because I thought I’d have trouble falling asleep, but I didn’t. Falling asleep was easy. I just couldn’t stay asleep. The bug bites are mostly calm by now, though I can still see them and I’m still putting on the hydrocortisone – and sleeping in socks to prevent accidental night scratching.
I’ve been tired all day, in a way that made it hard to focus on work. I had a lot of meetings, and ended the day with a training/testing/troubleshooting session where I just couldn’t figure out what I’d set up incorrectly for the longest time. I had a black tea in the morning to try and help myself be awake, but it didn’t really work. I just felt jittery and tired.
Today is 8 months since Ambrose died. And somehow I’m still here. Still moving forward through time without him. Still living in the house we chose together. Still working.
I really hope I can get some good sleep tonight. I might take something, just to make sure that I get sleep. With the bites, I haven’t been getting good sleep for over a week now. I mentioned to my therapist that I’ve been sleeping best at my friend’s house, and that it might be because the bedroom I use there is always quite cold. She suggested I leave my window open to help cool my bedroom, and I’m going to try that tonight. My bedroom window didn’t have a screen, so I moved the one from my office over there. I think I’ll need to get some new screens; this one barely fits in that window. I’m concerned it might fall out and leave my bedroom vulnerable to mosquitoes.
I went to the hot springs tonight. Forgot to put on sunscreen, but I did have my hat. I need to remember the sunscreen. My neighbors were there for the first time in a while – and probably the last time in a while as well since they don’t really go in the summer. But it was nice to catch up with them. And I got a hug when they left, which I needed today.
I wish I was capable of napping; I would have done that during my lunch hour. But it’s hard for me to try and nap when I’ve got limited time. My brain just spins around about how little time I have to fall asleep. I did spend some time on my bed just with my eyes closed. It helps, a bit.
Four more months and I’ll have lived a year without him. It’s hard to comprehend, hard to think about. I just wish I had more time with him. I wish I could smell him and feel his embrace. I miss him so much. I’m trying to plan my backpacking trips for the summer. Looking at taking the week after the 4th of July off and going to a couple different places. I want to continue my ICT hike in August, but I’ll be coordinating that with my friend who offered to be my shuttle. I want to get out into the woods and feel Ambrose’s presence.
