I had some interesting dreams last night. A friend from college was in one. Well, I say friend, because we were actually friends, but we called each other arch nemeses. It was kind of an inside joke. I wonder now what he’s up to. If he has a family or children. Huh. Google search indicates he’s a professor; that makes sense.
I woke up before the alarm again, and got going on my morning run. I’ve just been doing a mile this week. I think I’ll stick to a mile for at least another week before doing more. This time, I looked around for deer before I started running. There were six or seven across the road, looking at me as I tried to get a picture of them. Getting up before the alarm allows me some time to sit on the porch and cool down after the run. There were so many birds this morning. My Merlin Bird ID app picked up six different kinds of birds.
Today is the 2nd. Nine months since Ambrose breathed his last breath. Nine months feels like forever and it feels like no time at all. I’ve been having a lot of emotions today. Whenever I wasn’t focused on something else, like work or a TV show, the emotions surged up and I just had to ask how it is that I’m still here when he’s not. It doesn’t feel right to me. He should be here with me. Helping me mow the property. Planning our Memorial Day camping trip, and the summer’s backpacking trips.
I had a dentist appointment today. My six month cleaning and check up. By some miracle, I didn’t have any more cavities or teeth that absolutely needed crowning. My dentist told me the firs time I saw him that I have so many fillings that crowns on all my teeth wouldn’t be a terrible idea, but I’m going to hold out as long as I can with what I’ve got. The receptionist there did choir with me last season, so I got a couple of hugs, which was really nice today.
After I made it through the work day, getting most of what I wanted done for the day completed, I headed outside. I first took down the tarps that I’d used to cover the semi-shed Ambrose and I had built last summer. They were shredded at the front. I’m not going to be able to use them again. I’m going to have to figure out some other way to cover the shed for next winter. My brother thinks I should put on a proper roof; I’m not sure.
Once the tarps were in a trash bag, I got to work mowing. The reason I needed to clear the tarps out first was that my mowing was taking me to the shed. I didn’t want the trimmer lines to get tangled up with the shredding tarp. That would have been an awful mess. The mowing is hard work even when the terrain is relatively flat, because the mower itself is heavy. But the terrain isn’t that flat, and has a lot of divots and loose rocks. It’s hard and heavy work. I mow for one tank of gas at a time; it’s taking about 80 minutes to finish a tank. A pretty good workout, even if I’m not quite traversing three quarters of a mile. I sat on the porch for a few moments after I finished, watching robins hop on the grass.
I showered. Made dinner. Put up laundry. Prepared my mowing outfit for tomorrow morning. I’m going to get up, drink some water and eat a puff bar, and then go mow. I’ll have a proper breakfast after I finish, and then head out to Nampa to hang out with my friend. I haven’t seen her in person since Thanksgiving, and I’m looking forward to spending some time with her. I’ll have exercises to do when I get home, and I might stop at a grocery store to pick up a few things. I need to figure out next week’s meal. If I want to make more spaghetti sauce or prepare something else I can eat on all week. I really prefer having something easy to eat after a mowing session.
I’ll do my hike on Sunday afternoon. Not my usual time for a hike, but I want to make it happen, and that’s going to be the best time. I’ll be doing a mow session Sunday morning, then the big family zoom, and then my hike.
It feels good to work my body. I wish I could spend more time hiking and less time sitting in front of a computer. I’d hike nearly every day if I could find the time. It’s going to be time soon to shift my bed time earlier so I can get up before the sun gets too far above the horizon.
It’s going to be no time at all before a year will have passed since he died. That seems so strange to me. How can time just keep on passing like this? And I say to myself that I don’t want to be here without him, and then a voice in me tells me that I’m not. That he’s here with me. And he’ll be here with me, no matter where I am. I just wish I could touch him and smell him and feel his voice rumble in my head as I press my cheek to his chest.
