I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning, and I didn’t know why. I just felt heavy, and I didn’t want to move. But I got myself moving eventually. I got my exercises done. I got myself ready for work.
And then I saw the “on this day” photos on my phone. One year ago today, Ambrose and I were headed off on what would be our last backpacking trip, though I didn’t know it at the time.
He did so well on that trip. He seemed so healthy and ready to go. It is so hard to believe that we were out there in the River of No Return Wilderness just one year ago.
So, I’ve been having emotions today. I’ve been crying. I’ve been feeling not great physically. Feeling run down and low motivation.
Work kind of helped. Meetings gave me something to focus on other than memories.
This trip is really the start of anniversary season for me. One year ago, the last backpacking trip. July 22nd is the anniversary of the day we met back in 2007. July 25th he had the stroke. August 2nd he died.
I know this is going to be hard for me. But I know I can get through it. I just need to let myself feel what I feel. Spending time in the woods next week will help. Going to Big Creek will be good. I just need to focus on prep for that trip. Let myself focus on work as best as I can. I have plenty to do.
In some ways, I wish I could go somewhere else for the next month. Just to be somewhere different. Maybe doing a thru hike. So I’d be more focused on taking the next step than on what was going on last year. But running away wouldn’t take me away from myself. I just need to get through this.