I slept in again today. not quite as late, but late enough. I felt shaky, even after I ate breakfast and had some hot chocolate.
My mom would have turned 72 today. She died five years ago Tuesday, but she wasn’t present for many years before that. I know we were close when I was little, but she treated me more like a caretaker when I was a teen than as a daughter. I stopped confiding in her because she would either forget what I told her or forget that I’d asked her not to tell anyone else. I remember trying to tell her things in college and then the next time we’d talk, she’d tell me how her sisters thought what I had told her was bad in some way, when she had told them something I’d never told her.
The day was overcast, but not rainy, so I probably could have gone on a hike if I’d left the house nice and early. But I didn’t leave until after lunch, nearly 1. And I only left because I felt like I had to get out of the house. I had to be somewhere else or I’d spend the entire afternoon crying.
I listened to my choir songs on repeat and practiced them and drove out to Hells Canyon. I figured I’d scout out exactly where the trailheads were out there, and then i could do some studying at home to decide which one I might hike some time in the future. Maybe next weekend. The trails out there will be accessible later in the season, but the route to get there will get snow, so I don’t know how long I’ll be able to get out there.
I lowered the windows and let the chilly air and all the scents it carried into the car. The temperature was mid-fifties, so it wasn’t too bad having the windows open. I stopped at a rest stop, and then on the side of the road when I saw a gorgeous reflection in nearly still water.
The trailheads were much farther along the road, but I ran into them eventually. There’s Eckel’s Creek, Alison Creek, Kinney Creek, and Deep Creek, aka The Staircase. Eckel’s and Alison are pretty close to each other, and meet up so I could potentially do a loop if I feel okay about doing a bit of road walking. They are also near the Big Bar recreation areas which have pit toilets.
All the trails had boxes for registries, but none of them had any available to fill out. Some of them had filled out registries in the boxes, but others looked like they hadn’t been used in a long while. One even had signs of wasps nests inside.
I turned back after reaching the Deep Creek trailhead. That was nearly the end of the road. I didn’t want to take the time to do any hiking because I wanted to get home before dark, and because I was still feeling really shaky. I’m glad I turned back when I did because I caught a few rainstorms on the drive back.
I stopped at the Gateway Store for some ice cream on the way home. My parents and I had stopped there over the summer when they visited, and I remembered the ice cream being good. One of the flavors I got was a bit freezer burned, but it was still yummy.
I’ve been trying not to spend all my time crying since I got home. I ate dinner, and I did my eye drops. I might take a quick bath before bed. I did my exercises, and I posted about them, which I haven’t been doing daily since I hit the one year mark. Maybe I should go back to making that part of my day. I’ll play the flute before I start whatever bed routine I’m going to do.