The 13th was my birthday. My third birthday since Ambrose died. On the first one, my brother was out visiting. Last year, my sister-in-law sent presents. This year, while I got a good number of texts and Facebook posts, I didn’t get a single physical card. I did have an early birthday gift from my dad, and I have the promise of a gift next time I get myself out to Nampa, but overall the day felt kind of sad.
I mean, I did get sung to at a meeting at work over zoom, and my family ended up singing twice, once when I had the candles lit on my birthday donut. I know there are a lot of people who care about me. I just wish I had someone to exchange cards with for these kinds of occasions. Oh, I did get a card a few days after my birthday from my employer. So that’s something.
Normally, I’d go to the hot springs on Wednesday night, but last week I switched myself to Thursday. I was feeling exhausted on Wednesday. I considered attending the Move U Office Hours that evening, but I felt too tired. And I didn’t want to be picked on because I disappeared for the last few months. I joined in on a 12 week challenge, but then the PDF wasn’t fillable, just printable and I got stuck there in my head because I don’t have a printer. So I haven’t been doing the challenge though I have still been working through the Shoulder Impingement program.
Thursday was a nice evening at the hot springs. Lots of chatting with strangers. I think I caught a glimpse of a skunk on Mill Road, and at the bottom of the hill on Cemetery, a buck with a huge rack pretty much posed for me to take his picture. We call him Buddy; he’s come back for a few years now.
Friday, I made cornflake treat pumpkins after work. They were for the Halloween party on Saturday that my friends in town hold every year. This was my second year attending, and I recognized some faces from last year and got to meet some new folks as well. I dressed as a gypsy fortune teller using stuff I had on hand. I was pleased with how my double hoop earrings looked. Oh, and I wore the spooky cat socks that I got in Chicago. It was a fun time. Good food and good company.
Sunday, I went for a hike. I did the Brownlee Peak, for a total of nearly 9 miles of hiking with over 3000 feet of gain. For a lot of the way up, my head radio was silent. No music playing. No thoughts spinning. Just stepping and listening to the sounds of the forest and the thump of my heart in my chest. It was one of those hikes where I convince myself to just go a little bit farther until I’m all the way up the mountain. Even at the top, I considered taking a long route back with a couple more high points.
But I was wearing the new winter boots and my feet were tired. It was hard enough to get back to the car from my turnaround without adding additional miles. It was quite nice to feel how much warmer I was when my feet were insulated. I’m looking forward to wearing those boots in snow and through Chicago winter weather.
I watered my tree after I got home by carrying a small bucket to the tree rather than dealing with the hoses. I figure it’s time to let the hoses be for now. I hope not to let them freeze with water inside them this winter. I still don’t have a real shed, but at least I have a nice deck.
I’ve been having trouble getting out of bed. Last week, I had finally decided not to snooze and just get up and go and I grabbed my phone and got out of bed without thinking. Yeah, I had forgotten to unplug the phone from the charging cord hooked into my lamp, so the lamp got pulled off my bedframe and smashed on the ground. That certainly woke me up…
I didn’t get to sleep on time Sunday night, but I chose to get up at 5:30 this morning anyway (after unplugging my phone). I went for a mile walk, down the hill and back up. That felt good, but I don’t know if I can keep it up. I let myself sleep until 6:30 the night after choir practice because it’s hard for me to unwind quickly after choir. I didn’t make my breakfasts on Sunday, so I had a Jimmy Dean’s breakfast croissant this morning. But I made the breakfasts today so I’m good for the rest of the week.
Today, about an hour before choir, out of nowhere, I felt like my ears had to pop. But there was nothing to pop. Just this sensation like my ears were in a different atmosphere than the rest of me. It’s mostly passed now, but during choir it felt quite weird. Like I was hearing too much.
I miss Ambrose so much. Hugs from friends are good, but they aren’t the same as being held by my love. I really want to dream about him again, but I haven’t even been remembering my dreams very much lately, let alone dreaming about him. My period started today and I just want to be taken care of.
