I did it! I went to bed early, and then, when I woke up and it was after 5:30, I got up. Well, I decided to get up. Technically, I don’t get up to do my morning meditation. I stay in the bed, but take out my pillows so I’m lying flat.
After the meditation, I did my ankle ABC’s, and then I turned the heat up and did my MoveU exercises. It was kind of nice, because the lunges in this week have been getting me all sweaty, and I got to shower afterwards.
I did ramen for breakfast. I did think about eggs and Spam for breakfast, but I’m not quite there. Not yet. It’s good that I’m thinking about it though. I don’t know what my pace is on this grief journey, but I’m recognizing that I need to allow things to surface in their own time. That I’ll think about something before I do it. Ruminate and consider and get myself used to it.
Because I won’t always have that luxury, the ability to take my time before encountering a new situation or an old one. I have to save my energy for when I absolutely need to jump into the water instead of tippy-toeing.
A full day at work was good. The multitude of things that needed to be done helped me keep moving in the morning, even though I lost my focus in the afternoon.
I have the most wonderful stylist in the world. When I last got a cut, I told her that I wouldn’t be able to come back for a while, because of my suspension. She told me to just let her know when I needed another cut, and she would come out to my house. Today, she did just that. I got a haircut in my kitchen, and a wonderful hug.
She also inspired me to vacuum my home for the first time since July. I’d been meaning to since I got back in October, but I kept running into this strange reluctance. It was a step that I was resisting for some reason. But having hair all over my floor got me working on the floor. Once I swept, I had to vacuum, and once I started vacuuming, I let myself keep going. Hopefully, it will get easier to return to a regular schedule of vacuuming.
Then, after work, a neighbor gave me a ride to the library and the grocery store, stopping for gas for his vehicle as well. It was really cool to see how the fog looked from a car. Visibility is okay if you’re going a nice 25 miles per hour; I wouldn’t want to be trying to go 65 on the highway in it.
I learned that there is a way to renew my books online, which I’ll do next time I need to renew. I’m working my way through this particular book slowly. At the grocery store, I just picked up a few more limes for my onion salad and a candy bar. One of the clerks gave me a couple of sausage snacks to give to my neighbor’s dog once she learned who had given me a ride.
And then my neighbor became even more awesome. We stopped by his place and he gave me some canned goods and a container of soup that he’d made that evening. So I didn’t need to think about what to do for dinner. It was delicious.
After enjoying the soup, I made myself a double batch of kolache dough. It’s got to rest in the fridge for at least 4 hours; I prefer overnight, but since I’ll be busy tomorrow night with dress rehearsal, I had to make it tonight. I also made a dish for the potluck tomorrow, onion salad. I hope it turns out alright.
I ended up starting for bed around 9 pm last night, which is earlier than I’d been doing.
One of the widow groups that I’m on on Facebook made me realize that I used to take care of myself in large part out of love for Ambrose. To be ready to take care of him. Now I’ve got to rely on my love for myself. And how lucky am I that he helped me learn how to love myself.
