I could hear the wind howling this morning, and I thought to myself, I only have to walk half a mile, if it’s bad. That got me up and out the door. I put my Yaktrax on and brought a single trekking pole, just in case it was icy. My driveway was icy, but the road wasn’t bad. I ended up just carrying the pole.
Even though I went to bed early, I still woke up tired. Lots of dreams again, though none so violent as the night before. Just fun, silly stuff.
I opened a savings account and put the life insurance money that I got from work in it. It’s not a lot, but at least I’m starting to earn interest on it now. I still haven’t started budgeting and tracking my expenses. I know I should do that, but it feels like a really big lift at this point. I’m dreading tax season. Maybe I’ll request an extension.
The morning was pretty good. I had my therapy appointment and got to discuss some things. She likes that I’m working on music, because that can be helpful.
But then I got a call from my lawyer and learned that they have not been advocating for me as I was led to believe they were. Last time they told me not to reinstate my license yet, and to wait for the court date. But they didn’t tell me that the court date was going to be March 6th. I would have been pissed about that being the date, but it would have been good to know that two weeks ago. Instead, I hear about it today, that they haven’t been trying to get me an earlier date and they haven’t done anything to make it so that I can get my license reinstated without incurring an additional suspension when I finally do have my court date.
I got pretty hysterical at lunch. I was very unhappy with how they did this. I understand that the wheels of justice can be slow to turn, but I felt like they mislead me. On the 13th of January, I was told that things would start moving, and now I find out that they haven’t even gotten the mediation agreement formally written up. I feel neglected. I want to get this started because I’m going to have to do a year of probation, and until it’s complete I won’t be able to leave behind the trauma of the whole incident. This only happened because I was going crazy with grief – so crazy that the state committed me (and then I had to pay for it). So the punishment will just remind me, over and over, that I am being punished because of my grief, because of his death.
I called my parents because I needed to talk to someone, and they are both lawyers themselves so they could offer me some perspective. I’m getting upset again just writing this. I’ll have to do some breathing exercises after to help me calm down for bed. My dad was offering to call the court himself, but then the senior partner called me and tried to talk me down. I explained why I was upset and he agreed to try to get me an earlier date. They’ll also try and make it so I can get my license back before March 6, but I’m kind of resigned to waiting now. It’s clear that I’m not important to them, and that my situation doesn’t matter. How can I believe anything they say now, when they said before that they would be doing all these things and they did none of them?
So, in some ways, I had a horrible day.
But it was also the first time in several days that the sun came out. There was a beautiful sunrise and a beautiful sunset. I got to spend time with my neighbors at the hot springs in the evening. And the custom pillow that I ordered arrived. It has a picture of Ambrose for me to hold. And I found out the date for the premiere of the Upper Country Singers concert recording. I’m looking forward to that, and to sharing the video once it’s officially posted.
I’m still feeling pretty sick to my stomach, and the hysterical crying did not help. It would have also been more convenient for me to have been told the bad news before my therapy appointment, because I was actually feeling pretty good about where I was in therapy, and then I got hit by a bomb and could have used more support.
Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Here’s hoping that tomorrow is more like a lazy river.
