I stayed up a little late last night, and I slept in. Some interesting dreams. In one of them, I went to the house of an old friend. I’ve never been to her place before, but in the dream logic I knew that’s where I was. She went to take a shower, and everyone else was occupied, so I started to play my flute, which was oddly tarnished in the dream. I played my spirit song, and the next thing I knew other people showed up with instruments and started playing along with me. I taught the song to a bunch of strangers and woke with a harmony in my head.
I went for my mile walk, and then showered. Breakfast next, and then I did some work to finish my makeup time from teaching the class. I’ll be doing two hours tomorrow to start my week ahead. I’ve got it all planned out. I’ll do two hours on Sundays, and start 15 minutes early each weekday, and stay 15 minutes late 3 days – Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I need the time on Wednesdays to get ready for hot springs at 6, and it will just be nice to get off work on time on Fridays to start the weekend. With all that, I shouldn’t need to work any extra hours on Saturday from here on out.
I completed the questionnaire portion of my drug/alcohol assessment today. I got my dad’s advice on some phrasing, and was very honest. A whole lot of the questions had to do with alcohol, and I haven’t had a drink for more than two and a half years. I seriously reduced my drinking when I got diagnosed with IBS, but for a while I would still drink on occasion. Like, I had a drink at my mom’s memorial in 2021. But the last one was in 2022 on a backpacking trip. I decided I no longer wanted to experience alcohol in my life. It’s not worth it to me.
I’m glad that I wasn’t drinking when Ambrose died. I could have fallen into something bad if alcohol had been an option when I was feeling such despair.
After lunch, I went out to the transfer station and grocery store with my neighbor. Today is his and his wife’s 52 year anniversary. So impressive. At the grocery store, I got to meet another neighbor; I knew her name, but hadn’t actually met her until today. That was good.
Then I did my review of week 3 of Head & Neck level 1. I wonder if I’m getting some headache feelings in part because I’m working those muscles again. I’m looking forward to starting level 2 for this program.
My three mile walk was nice. Lots of sunshine. I really need to get some sunscreen for my face, but I haven’t yet. It was cold, but not icy. In fact, I encountered more mud than ice. And before I walked I checked on my shed’s tarp roof. There was a bit of ice on top, but no big accumulation.
I drank water and then took a hot bath with hemp seed oil Epsom salts. Then a hearty dinner of pasta with meat sauce. I’m not going to stay up very late tonight. I’ve got work to do tomorrow.
The grief has been here with me all day. I’ve been talking to Ambrose. Crying. But I also feel more confident. More like I really can get through this. I am on a journey, and I won’t know my destination until I get there.
I had a thought on my walk that I wish I’d finished writing up my 2023 solo trip so that Ambrose could have read it before he died. But now, he is outside of time. Which means he can go and experience that trip with me, even though it’s in the past for me. There’s no such thing as past for him anymore. Maybe it was his loving presence that helped me get through college in the aftermath of Chris Hill’s suicide. I’m still shocked that I managed to finish freshmen year after that, let alone graduate (though it did take me some extra time). I also thought about how proud Ambrose would be of me right now, taking care of myself and walking every day. He is proud of me. I can feel it.
