I got a lot of sleep again. I woke up in the dark of the morning and used the bathroom. When I got back to bed, my body ached and I turned over to my stomach to try and get comfortable. That left my on “my” side of the bed, instead of in the center where I’ve been mostly sleeping since Ambrose died. As I tried to fall asleep in that position, I felt a weight on the other side of the bed. I heard creaking. And then I felt a leg over mine, and a warmth next to me. I froze. I knew it had to be him, but I didn’t dare look.
Eventually, Ambrose spoke to me. We were in a bedroom, in a bed, but it wasn’t my house anymore. It felt kind of like the house I grew up in in Winfield, but the main bedroom was somehow on the ground floor. Ambrose and I talked. And he hugged me, and held me. And then we got distracted because my old cat Topaz and my dad’s cat Coco (both dead) escaped out the window, and since they are indoor cats we had to go get them. It couldn’t have been the backyard of my youth, because we walked outside in bare feet with no worries for the thorns that I always had to watch out for. We brought the cats inside and then it was time for me to leave. I woke abruptly from that dream at around 4 am and went directly to my computer to write about the experience. It felt so real. Like a visitation from his spirit and not just a dream. The dream was just the means.
I slept in pretty late after that. And spent some time in the bed after I woke up, thinking of Ambrose.
I still don’t know what I’m doing. What I’m supposed to be doing. But I feel him with me. I feel his spirit in my heart. He’s with me, no matter what happens. No matter what shit happens in the world or in my life. And he’s going to help me like he always has.
I didn’t feel well enough to go to my friend’s party. I didn’t want to risk getting her sick, and especially not getting her young son sick. Sick kids are no fun. But I felt well enough to do more things today. I vacuumed up the dirt from my kitchen floor and entryway. I got a load of laundry done from my suitcase. I did a Shoulders & Arms level 1 workout. I walked to get the mail with bare feet. It’s almost too hot to do that now. Mornings only if I’m going to do any more barefoot walking.
I think I’m going to feel well tomorrow. Recovered. I’m going to get back into my walking. Start up my running. Start on Shoulders and Arms Level 2. And this weekend, I plan on a hike. I’ll see how far I can go up Cuddy before snow turns me back. That’s what I have to look forward to. No matter what else goes on. No matter how many times I have to get drug tested or do other dumb things I’ve got to do. I can get through anything I need to get through, because he is with me.
