I woke up around a quarter after 5. My tummy felt like it was full of air and poop and all of it hurt. I tried rolling into different positions to try and get some relief. I tried to go back to sleep. Nothing helped, and the alarm went off all too soon.

I got myself on my walk. It was nice to walk in the moonlight again, though I did turn my headlamp on briefly when a car was approaching. Better to be visible. I mean, my coat is black. That’s why I keep a light on my back for the walks in the dark.

Today, the emotional currents were strong. It felt like I’d hit a whirlpool. I would release the emotions and get a hold of myself again only to get sucked under again. I don’t know when I cried and screamed and yelled as much as I did today. Well. I got close yesterday, but today was worse. Both physically and mentally. Usually that hard walk helps calm me. I can ground myself in the earth and release the emotions to the dirt beneath my feet.

There was just too much today.

I kept feeling hysterical.

Never so bad that I couldn’t calm myself down, but the emotions kept rising again.

At lunch, I was going to do the 5th day of the 2nd week of the Hips and Glutes level 2 program, but after I finished the warm-up, I found that I couldn’t stop crying – again. So I switched things up and did 17 minutes of paced breathing for my Move U work. I tried to focus on breathing strongly through my core. And when I was done, I felt much calmer. Calm enough to realize that today is why I have a small prescription of Clonazepam in my bathroom. Before I went on my lunch walk to the mailbox, I took one.

The drug numbed my emotions, but made me feel unsteady on my feet at first. I don’t think I’d want to drive while on this one. I feel too distractable. But it did help me get through work. No more tearstains on my desk.

I didn’t feel like going for a walk right after work, so I drank one of my non-alcoholic beers and just read a book. The beer helped settle my stomach. That’s one of the reasons that I like those. Then, around 6, I went for a walk. The sun had already fallen below the western mountains, but there was enough light that I didn’t need the headlamp. I did take the green light for my back, but I didn’t really need to turn it on.

After that, I was feeling motivated enough to make dinner. I didn’t get around to cooking the beef I’ve got thawing in the fridge, but that will keep for tomorrow or even Saturday.

There were moments today when I was feeling so emotional that I wanted to call someone, but I couldn’t think of who to call. And I feel like it’s hard for people to get a call from someone who just needs to be heard as they wail. When they can hear my pain and know there’s nothing that they can do about it. My dad offered to fly out and see me the other day. I might take him up on that, but I hope to be able to drive before I call him out. Maybe he can come out to be with me for the 6 month mark. I want to do something for that. Maybe even if I’m still not able to drive it would be good for him to come out. He could drive me places once I get him out here somehow.

I’d been doing cards with my neighbors on Thursdays, but I’m not feeling well enough in my body to go visiting. I’ll try for it tomorrow. It’s good to see people and be around people.

I hope that my emotional currents are calmer tomorrow. I could use a break from the intensity of this week.

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